Imagine the sudden loss of a loved one. Amid the shock and grief, you find yourself facing a barrage of questions and decisions, each one more overwhelming than the last. What kind of service would they want? Should their body be buried, cremated, or donated? Who should handle the arrangements? These are the types of decisions that can feel impossible to make, especially when you’re unsure of their wishes and grieving.
The repercussions of not having a comprehensive end-of-life plan can be profound, as evidenced by the experiences of many families. Over one-third (35%) of respondents have either personally experienced or know someone who has encountered family conflict due to the absence of an estate plan or comprehensive will. This turmoil underscores why over half (52%) of Americans over the age of 55 consider it irresponsible to die without such a plan, with 22% viewing it as inconsiderate and 14% as ignorant. Compounding the issue, a significant 52% of people are unaware of where their parents store their planning documents. This lack of accessibility and preparedness can unnecessarily escalate stress and complicate what is already a difficult time, emphasizing the critical need for both creating and clearly communicating end-of-life plans.
Now, imagine the relief you would feel if everything had already been planned—if your loved one had taken the time to outline their preferences, making their intentions clear. The burden on you and your family would be lightened, allowing you to focus on what truly matters: honoring their memory and supporting one another during a difficult time. This is the invaluable gift that End-of-Life (EOL) planning offers.
EOL planning is an indispensable process that encompasses three key areas: Advance Care Planning, Memorial Planning, and Estate Planning. Advance Care Planning focuses on the type of healthcare you want at the end of life and where you want to spend your final days. Memorial Planning deals with how you want to be remembered and what will happen to your body. Estate Planning determines who will receive your assets after you’re gone.
In my own experience, I didn’t fully appreciate the importance of these plans until I had to take the lead myself. The first memorial services I attended were always handled by others, so I wasn’t truly aware of the level of stress and confusion that can arise when you’re responsible for the arrangements. When my mother passed away, my father, who had orchestrated services for our family members for over two decades, expertly guided us through what needed to be done. He even delegated some of the responsibilities to my brother and me. Despite this guidance, I was still unprepared when it came time to plan for his passing. Nothing was written down, and although we had casually discussed his preferences, no concrete decisions had been made.
This experience underscored for me the profound value of having a comprehensive EOL plan in place. It’s not just about ensuring that your wishes are honored—it’s about sparing your loved ones from the uncertainty and emotional strain that comes with making these decisions on your behalf.
At GeriScope, we’ve dedicated an entire series, “The Talk,” to assist you in Advance Care Planning. You’ll find everything you need to know for successful planning, in these blog posts:
While Estate Planning is outside the current focus of GeriScope, there are many excellent resources such as these available to get you started from investment websites like Fidelity and Merrill to online planning tools from Trust & Will and LegalZoom.
This post, however, is all about Memorial Planning. We’ll provide you with an overview of the key topics you’ll need to discuss, how to document your decisions, and how to communicate your wishes effectively. Remember, these discussions don’t have to happen all at once—they can be part of an ongoing conversation. And, notably, you can always change your mind about what you want. The key is to ensure that your loved ones know your wishes and feel empowered to make decisions on your behalf, confident that they’re doing exactly what you would have wanted.
Part 1. Assemble and Store Important Documents and Information
One of the most fundamental steps in Memorial Planning is collecting and organizing all your crucial documents and information in one place. This process may seem daunting, but it’s necessary for ensuring that your loved ones have easy access to everything they need during an already challenging time.
Storing Documents and Information
Start by putting all your essential papers and copies of legal documents in a single, secure location. You can use a file cabinet, a desk drawer, a dedicated notebook, or even a digital document that lists where each document is stored. For added security, consider investing in a fireproof and waterproof safe to store your documents. If you choose to keep any papers in a bank safe deposit box, make sure you also have copies at home.
When organizing your documents, think of it as creating a one-stop-shop for everything your loved ones might need to handle your affairs. Typically, this includes personal, financial, and health, and other asset information. This is just a starting point—you may have additional details, like pet care information, that should also be included. What follows is a checklist for each area.
Personal Information
Your personal information is the foundation of your records. It’s vital to keep this up to date so that your beneficiaries don’t face unnecessary hurdles later. If an update is required, many institutions allow you to download and complete forms ahead of time, making it easier for your loved ones to handle your affairs after you’re gone. For example, my brother moved several times and we had to update his address each time. Ultimately, this diligence simplified the process of completing beneficiary requirements after our father passed away. Here’s the personal information you’ll what to include:
Full Legal Name and any alias or maiden names
Social Security Number, preferably on your Social Security card
Legal Residence Address, including the zip code. Also note the address(es) of any secondary homes
Date and Place of Birth, ideally documented with a copy of your birth certificate
Spouse and Children’s Names and Addresses including prior spouses and stepfamily members
Certificates of Birth, Death, Marriage, Divorce, Citizenship, and Adoption
List of Employers and dates of employment
Education history including institution, degrees, and dates of attendance
Military Records, including discharge and veteran status
Religious and Spiritual Contact(s) names, phone numbers, and addresses for the places of worship
Memberships in groups and awards received
Key Contact Names, Email, or Phone Numbers for close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors that need to be notified after you’re gone
Online Account and Application website addresses, usernames, and passwords
Financial Information
Your financial records are just as significant as your personal ones. These documents will aid your loved ones in managing your estate and settling your affairs. When compiling your financial information list make sure to include:
Sources of income and assets, such as pensions, individual retirement accounts (IRAs), 401(k)s, as well as cash, certificates of deposit (CDs), and treasury bills along with any interest and dividends
Social Security information
Property, Life, and Long-Terms Care Insurance provider names, policy numbers, beneficiaries, and agents' names and phone numbers
Financial Institution Names, Account Numbers, and Customer Service Contacts for all checking, savings, credit union, and debit and credit card accounts
Investment (stocks, bonds, mutual funds, or other securities) and stockbrokers' names and phone numbers
Personal and Business Tax Returns for the most recent tax year
A Will that is the most up to date with an original signature
List of Liabilities, including property tax—what is owed, to whom, and when payments are due
Mortgages and debts—both secured and unsecured how and when they are paid
Original deed(s) of trust for your home and other properties
Title and registration for all vehicles including car, truck, motorcycles, and any other equipment
Safe deposit box or secure fire- and water-proof storage container and the key(s)
Health Information
Access to your health information documentation is also vital, especially if you have specific medical goals, treatment priorities, healthcare preferences, and quality of life wishes. Be sure to document your choices and update these records regularly to reflect any changes.
Current Prescriptions with dosage, frequency, food restriction, and time of day details
Living Will or advance directives
Durable power of attorney for healthcare decision making
Medical Orders or forms you have such as a do-not-resuscitate (DNR) order
Health Insurance information, including Medicare, Medicaid, and any private insurance, with policy and phone numbers
Other Asset Information
Making a list of other assets—whether financial, sentimental, or both—also alleviates stress. Clearly state who you wish to inherit each asset. This can be included in a formal will, but if that’s not yet finalized, even a simple written statement can guide your family and executors. Regular updates to this list are a necessity, especially after acquiring new assets or changing your mind about heir designations. This proactive approach can greatly alleviate the burden on your family during a time of grief. A list of other assets may include one or more of the following:
Real Estate and Land Properties you own in addition to residences, specifying locations and details like lot size or legal conditions
Art, Antiques, or Collectibles including descriptions, locations, and appraised values, if available
Jewelry and Valuables along with type, material, historical significance, and value estimates
Business Ventures or Corporate Assets, noting share percentages, locations of related documents and other pertinent details to facilitate their transfer or valuation.
Let Someone You Trust Know
After gathering and organizing your information, make sure to tell someone you trust where to find your storage location; and give them any access details they may require. Note, you don’t need to disclose the specifics of your personal affairs with them, but someone—whether it’s a spouse, relative, or friend—should know where your documents are kept in case of an emergency or after your death. Consider asking a lawyer for assistance if you don’t have a trusted relative or friend.
By taking time to gather this information and make any necessary updates now, you’re giving your family the priceless gift of peace of mind during a time of grief and loss.
Part 2. Make Your Body Disposition Decision
When it comes to deciding the disposition of your body after death, understanding the various options and the preferences of others in your position can provide context for making your own choices. There are three areas to consider:
Donating Your Body, Organs, or Brain is a choice that significantly benefits others, whether through saving lives or contributing to scientific research. It's good to know that there is no age limit for donation. In 2021, one out of every three organ donors were over the age of 50, and the oldest organ donor in the United States was 92. This option is especially valuable for medical research if you suffer from conditions like Alzheimer's or other neurological diseases, as researchers are keenly interested in studying your brain to advance scientific understanding and treatment methods.
Burial has historically been the traditional choice, but its popularity has shifted over the years. In the 1960s, nearly all Americans opted for traditional burials, but today, only about 35% plan on this method. Deciding on burial involves several considerations, such as the choice between an open or closed coffin, the type of coffin, and whether to be placed in-ground or in a mausoleum.
Cremation has become increasingly popular, with 44% of Americans now planning to be cremated—a significant rise from just 4% in the 1960s. If you choose cremation, you will need to consider what to do with your ashes, whether they will be kept, scattered, or incorporated into a memorial ceremony in some other way.
The Importance of Making Your Body Disposition Wishes Known
By clarifying your preferences for the disposition of your body, you assist your family in planning your memorial, as your choice directly affects how your body will be handled and the type of service that may be held. Whether it’s donating your body to science, being buried traditionally, or choosing cremation, each decision requires specific arrangements and can greatly influence the planning process.
Expressing your wishes provides immense comfort to your family, eliminating confusion and giving them a clear direction during a challenging time. This part of memorial planning is crucial; it not only ensures your desires are respected but also eases the emotional and logistical burdens on your loved ones. By making these decisions now and communicating them clearly, you allow your family to plan with confidence and focus on commemorating your life according to your values and preferences.
Part 3. Communicate What Type of Memorial Service You Want
Deciding on the type of service to commemorate your life is a significant choice that can deeply impact your loved ones. Here’s an overview of the various service options, which we will explore in greater detail in future posts:
Traditional Service can take place in a church or funeral home, featuring formal rituals or a more personalized approach. Secular versions may include personal readings, eulogies, and a viewing, tailored to reflect your personal beliefs and preferences.
Celebration of Life or Memorial Services are flexible and personal, focusing on celebrating your life, accomplishments, and values rather than mourning your departure. They can take place long after the burial or cremation, in any location that was significant to you or convenient for attendees.
Military Funeral for active-duty service members, veterans, and their families can include military honors such as a bugle performance of “Taps,” a rifle volley salute, and a flag presentation. Informing your loved ones of your eligibility and preferences for a military funeral can simplify their planning.
Scattering of Ashes Ceremonies are personal, often informal events where ashes are sprinkled about in a place meaningful for you. This can be a private occasion or an assembly open to friends and family; and may include personal tributes or religious elements.
Burial at Sea can be particularly meaningful for those with naval or maritime backgrounds. Full-body or ashes burials at sea are options, and veterans may have specific entitlements that facilitate arranging these events so alerting your loved ones as to your eligibility is key.
Green Funeral is an eco-friendly alternative that includes options like burial at a natural site or water cremation. These observances are considerate of environmental impacts and can include sustainable practices such as scattering ashes or using biodegradable burial pods.
Viewing and Visitation events typically involve an open casket at a designated time, allowing people to come and pay their respects in a more intimate setting before other larger rituals.
Wake involves a less formal gathering that often occurs at home or a community space before the funeral. These allow friends and family to come together to share memories and support each other; and can vary significantly in formality based on cultural or religious traditions.
Committal or Graveside Observances are often brief gatherings that take place at the graveside following a funeral and includes prayers and the laying of flowers. It can range from a simple affair to a more elaborate ceremony with eulogies and music.
By articulating your preferences in your Memorial Plan, you provide clarity and direction, easing the planning process and ensuring your final wishes are respected. This thoughtful preparation allows your loved ones to focus on celebrating your life and legacy with less logistical stress and more emotional support.
Part 4. Assign Who Should Take on Key Roles
Assigning roles for your memorial service is an excellent way to organize the chosen event(s) and make sure everything runs smoothly, reducing the burden on your loved ones. Here’s how you can structure and delegate these responsibilities effectively:
Lead Coordinator to serve as the primary point of contact, responsible for overseeing and coordinating all aspects of the memorial service. Their role is pivotal in ensuring that all elements of the service are harmoniously executed.
Travel Coordinator who can manage logistics related to getting guests coming from out of town. The coordinator can assist with travel details and accommodations, making the process smoother for attendees.
Obituary writing can be done in advance or you can discuss what you would like included with a trusted individual. This can be a thoughtful way to guaranty your life is celebrated exactly as you wish and can relieve your loved ones of the task during a mourning period.
Eulogy delivery by specific individuals you’d like to speak at your service and the aspects of your life or character you’d like them to highlight can be designated in advance. This personal touch adds significant meaning to the service and guarantees that the eulogies reflect your values and legacy.
Pall Bearer candidates who you feel would be honored to carry this role can also be suggested in advance. Traditionally involving 6-8 people, this choice can include close friends, family members, or colleagues.
Visitation Host to organize the visitation, including the location and food arrangements. This role is pivotal in creating a welcoming and organized environment for those coming to pay their respects.
Music Selection of songs or hymns that are meaningful to you to be performed or played during the service can set the tone for your event. Music is a powerful way to evoke memories and emotions, making the service more personal and reflective of your life.
Readings of favorite passages, poems, or quotes that resonate with you or provide comfort, can be selected for inclusion in the service prior to your death. These readings can offer profound insights into your beliefs or philosophy.
Video recording or streaming of the service can be particularly valuable for those unable to attend due to distance or health reasons. This consideration makes certain that all who wish to partake in the service have the opportunity, regardless of their circumstances.
By thoughtfully considering and specifying these roles and preferences, you provide a framework that supports your family in planning and executing a service that honors your memory while also distributing the workload among several individuals. This thoughtful planning is a compassionate way to ease the emotional and logistical efforts of your loved ones, allowing them to focus more on celebrating your life and less on the details of the day.
Review Your Plans Regularly
Life changes, and so may your plans. It’s vitally important to review your documents at least once a year or whenever a major life event occurs, such as a divorce, move, or significant change in your health. Keeping your information up to date will ensure that your loved ones have the most accurate and beneficial guidance when they need it most.
Stay tuned for the next posts in this series, where we’ll explore these options in greater detail, allowing you to make informed decisions and, ultimately, give your family the gift of peace of mind.
Comments